Konan and Her Yaoi Paddle
by Purplewolfstar35
Summary: What's the lone female member of the Akatsuki to do when she gets bored? Find some hot men and make them yaoi of course! Rated for language, and LOTS of explicit MENTIONS, only mentions, of yaoi. SasoDei, KakuHidan, ItaKisa, and ZetTobi


Konan and Her Yaoi Paddle.

Now, Konan was the only female member of the Akatsuki...and she got...well bored sometimes. There were no women to discuss fashion or the sexy looking boys in the Akatsuki with...except for Deidara, but he doesn't really count. Now, there's one cure for boredom that almost every women loves. Guy on guy, yaoi...and Konan had just the tool for the job. In her closet, an object leaned against the wall. A paddle. Specifically a YAOI paddle.

And so, Konan armed herself with 5 cameras, lots of memory sticks for said cameras, and her paddle. "It's yaoi time boys." First Victim? The most gay of them all...Deidara.

"And so Danna, I was working on my art yesterday and fucking Tobi came in and started dancing!"

"Hey Dei, could you come here for a sec," Konan asked as sweetly as someone plotting evil things could.

"Sure Konan-chan! Be right back Danna," the blond chirped.

Without warning, or to Deidara's knowledge...Konan lifted that holy wood high and SMACKED him right on the ass.

OW WHAT THE HELL!?"

"GO MAKE OUT WITH SASORI RIGHT NOW!" Deidara turned bright red and shook his head rapidly. "I-I-I'm not gay for Danna!"

"Yes you **are** if I **SAY** you are! See this paddle? It says yaoi on it...do you know what that is Dei?"

"Oh god...EVERYONE RU-"

"NOT SO FAST! I have other people to visit...and you will **NOT** ruin my fun. NOW YAOI DAMNIT!"

Sasori stood up from the couch and walked over to Konan, "I think you've had a little too much sugar or...something. But we don't have to 'yaoi' because of that piece of crap."

"THIS PIECE OF WHAT PUPPET?!? THIS IS HOLY! JASHIN BLESSED THIS THING!" Konan turned irate quite quickly when said red head insulted her prized possesion. SMACK! "NOW YOUR BOTH MARKED! SO GO FUCK EACH OTHER SENSELESS RIGHT NOW!"

Konan grabbed both boys hair, much to Deidara's protest. "AH! MY HAIR," he shrieked. "What the hell are you doing women?!"

SLAM! The blue haired member pushed both of the men's faces together and stepped back to admire her work. "Hmm...it's only shonen-ai...but it'll work. C'mon though Dei…he's the perfect toy…something you'd want wrapped up for the holidays. I mean, look at him Dei...he's fucking sexy. And...he's not a human, he'll never get tired! Plus...that cord could do A LOT of things...think about it...all that, PLUS your hands...you guys could have the kind of sex gay men everywhere DREAM of!"

Next Victim? Hidan...

She found the silver haired man sitting right next to his "partner", heh...partner in more ways then one..."Hidan. Come here."

"What the fuck, don't boss me around bitch!"

"NOW!"

He stood up and walked over to her with that annoyed look on his face...if he were Shikamaru, he'd be saying troublesome. But, then again...he's definitely not.

"OK WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!"

"What I want...is for you to YAOI!" SMACK!

"THAT'S NOT A VERB JASHIN DAMNIT!"

"It's a verb if I **say** it's verb Hidan. NOW GO FUCK KAKUZU!"

Kakuzu's eyes grew huge, yaoi...he knew that word well.

"Now...when I look at you two, I see...BONDAGE!"

"B-B-BONDAGE," the money lover spat!

"There is no way in fucking hell that I will have HIM BOND ME TO ANYTHING! BY JASHIN'S NAME YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!"

Konan chuckled, and pulled shackles out of a pocket of her Akatsuki cloak. She snapped them around Hidan's hands and laughed evilly. "Have at Kuzu..."

She threw him a camera, "film it...sell it, if you want. Just make sure that I get a copy first. Understood?"

The masked man nodded and chuckled..."of course. Let's go Hidan!" The silver haired priest's eyes widened. "WHAT!? OH FUCK NO! I AM NOT GOING TO BE RAPED BY A 500 YEAR OLD MAN! NO FUCKING WAY!"

"Now now Hidan...it isn't rape...if you're willing."

Kakuzu strode off, Hidan over his shoulder and Konan smiled fondly. "God I love bondage," she said.

Hidan was soon tied to a bedpost and stripped down naked. "Now don't worry...this won't hurt ONE BIT!"

"You mother fucker..."

"I didn't fuck your mother, that would make me your dad. And this would be incest. And incest is wrong."

Next target? Uchiha Itachi...the clan murderer...with an animal fetish.

KNOCK KNOCK! "Hey guys...open up!" Kisame answered their bedroom door and smiled. "Hey Konan!"

"Hi Kisame...can I come in for a minute?"

"Sure..."

SMACK! SMACK!

Both men in the room were attacked with a wooden paddle before either knew what happened.

"You two get the shower...that way it's even more kinky and Kisame will feel more at home. I mean, sharks do mate in the water."

Konan ran into the bathroom and turned on water to the coldest it could get. "There, freezing cold so you have to warm each other up...if you know what I mean. Or should it be hot, so your sweaty...no, your already wet...oh well, that won't make it hurt much less for our poor Uchiha uke right?"

"Hang on," Kisame said, restraining Itachi from ripping Konan's hair out, "are you saying...you want me to screw Itachi?"

"Yes...smart fishy. That's EXACTLY what I'm saying."

The blue skinned man blushed, whereas Itachi glared more. "What makes you think I am gay women?"

"Your hair, your body, your nails...and your face. I see how much cream you use to try to get rid of those wrinkles".

Itachi gaped, while Kisame was out in nowhere's land...Jashin only knows what he's thinking about.

Probably Itachi's wet naked form...but hey, that might not be it.

"Have fun with kinky shower shark sex boys!"

Next Target? Tobi…the good boy.

"Tobi...are you a good boy?"

"Of course!"

"Good...do you love Zetsu-senpai?"

"YES TOBI DOES!"  
"Good...so would you do anything for him to love you back?"

"Of course Tobi would!"

"That's great Tobi." SMACK!

"Oh Zetsu! Could you come here?"

"**What do you want?! **We were napping..."

"It's time for Tobi, the good boy, to get down and dirty with his favorite plant. It's wrong, and it's forbidden. Hell...it defies nature...BUT YOU TWO DON'T CARE CAUSE IT FEELS SO RIGHT! That's beautiful guys..."

Tobi ran to Zetsu and glomped him. "ZETSU-SENPAI **IS** TOBI'S FAVORITE PLANT!"

"OH GOD, THAT'S PERFECT! Tobi's right on top of you Zetsu...GO CRAZY!"

And so, this ends the tale of how Konan, and her yaoi paddle, made the Akatsuki members all come out of the closet on the same day. Truly a feat! Now...everyone with their respective partners were enjoying a pleasant...yaoi filled evening. Pleasant for the ones on top that is...the ukes? Those poor men…they're in for some pain. As for Konan? She enjoyed the moans...and the pictures that she took. A girl's gotta have her yaoi...right?


End file.
